[0:04] Welcome everyone to the next episode of [0:05] the Inside Wisetta podcast. Today we are [0:09] talking about parenting and caregiving [0:12] for young humans. We have with us today [0:16] Naomi Huso who is a licensed parent [0:20] educator at the Wise Early Learning [0:22] School. She's been there for 9 years and [0:24] she is going to solve all of my [0:27] parenting challenges today. [0:29] >> [laughter] [0:30] >> I'm not going to solve them all, but [0:31] I'll give you some ideas. [0:32] >> Um, I have been telling people this is a [0:35] very uh selfish episode that uh that [0:39] we're I'm doing today. Uh I have a four [0:42] and a 2-year-old at home. And uh for [0:45] those listening that have young kids or [0:48] know young kids or work with young kids, [0:51] like they know like this is this is [0:54] challenging. So I want to start there. [0:56] It's more of like a statement for [0:58] [snorts] people that are listening and [1:00] they're, you know, overwhelmed and [1:02] whatever else comes with caring for [1:04] young young kids. Parenting is hard. [1:07] >> Yeah. [1:08] >> Yeah. The hardest job you'll ever have [1:11] with the least amount of training. So [1:13] the hope today is we can [1:16] we've we've kind of gone through and [1:18] identified some main [snorts] themes or [1:21] topic areas of uh parenting and [1:24] caregiving for young kids and Naomi is [1:27] going to help give us some strategies, [1:29] [clears throat] [1:30] advice, um wisdom, help us kind of work [1:34] through some of these things. So we're [1:37] going to start with the big one, uh [1:39] behavior and discipline. How do we [1:41] navigate constant toddler tantrums and [1:45] figure out what exactly is my child [1:49] trying to communicate? [1:50] >> That's the thing with tantrums is I [1:53] always like to frame it back to like [1:56] where are they emotionally and where are [1:58] they cognitively. If you think about how [2:01] the brain develops, the emotional part [2:04] of their brain is in the middle and [2:06] their prefrontal cortex, the front part [2:08] of their brain is where all of their [2:10] decision-m and reasoning and problem [2:11] solving is coming in. And when we have [2:15] big emotions, and I say we meaning all [2:17] people have big emotions, our emotional [2:21] brain really like flares up. And Dan [2:25] Seagull kind of has the like flip your [2:27] lid idea where it's like the prefrontal [2:28] cortex stops engaging and our emotions [2:32] are driving the bus. If you look at [2:34] brain science, prefrontal cortex is not [2:36] fully developed until mid20s currently [2:38] is where research is at. And so when [2:41] you're working with humans that are 12 [2:44] months to 4 and a half, 5 years old, I [2:47] mean let's even elementary, middle [2:48] school, high schoolers, their prefrontal [2:50] cortex is not fully developed. And so [2:54] their emotions are fully [snorts] taking [2:57] over. And so one of my favorite quotes [3:00] from Tina Bryson is looking at like when [3:03] our kids are at their worst is when they [3:05] need us the most. We also have mirror [3:07] neurons in our brain where when our kids [3:08] are having a tantrum or having an [3:10] emotional reaction, it causes an [3:12] emotional reaction in us. And so it's [3:14] this balance of like how do I check my [3:17] emotions and make sure that I'm calm and [3:19] collected so then I can share my calm [3:22] with my child or even just look at their [3:25] emotion coming from like a place of [3:27] curiosity. What is happening in your [3:29] body and your brain that's creating you [3:31] to have this response in this way? [3:34] Sometimes it's logical. Sometimes it's [3:37] incredibly illogical. Like my banana [3:40] fell apart and you have to fix it [3:44] >> and that you can't fix that. Like the [3:46] banana is now in two pieces. It doesn't [3:47] go back together. [3:48] >> It's all too real. We had one last [3:50] night. Our 2-year-old, my wife, rinsed [3:53] his apple. [3:54] >> Oh, why would you? [3:56] >> Well, no, it's actually the other way. [3:57] So, she rinsed it and then dried it and [4:00] he was upset that there was no water [4:03] droplets left on the apple. [4:04] >> Yeah. full-blown like collapse on the [4:07] floor. [4:08] >> Yes. [4:08] >> Why is there no longer water on my [4:10] apple? And trying to figure out like [4:13] what are you saying through all the [4:16] [laughter] all the you know screaming [4:18] and then we're we're like do you just [4:21] want more water back on the apple? And [4:23] he's yes. And you put water back on and [4:26] through tears he then starts eating the [4:27] apple. But it's just like [4:29] >> it was just so funny. [laughter] [4:32] And I think those are the moments where [4:33] it's like this is dinner time. [4:35] >> Yes. And so like that's the other piece [4:37] too is you have little people who have [4:41] huge feelings and then we get to the end [4:44] of the day and for most of us the [4:45] biggest feelings are coming at the end [4:47] of the day or right around like meal and [4:50] rest time because our basic needs of [4:52] like being fed, being tired, or if I've [4:57] been at daycare all day or in school all [4:59] day and I've been holding myself [5:00] emotionally together for all these [5:02] people that are not they're safe people, [5:04] but they're not my people all of a [5:06] sudden we get home and we're with our [5:08] parents or like primary caregivers like [5:11] here is all my great emotions. Good luck [5:14] with them. Hang on for this ride. And [5:16] it's so hard because we also have had a [5:19] long day. Whether you're a working [5:21] parent or whether you're a parent who [5:22] stays home with your child all day, [5:24] >> the end of the day is always the hardest [5:26] part because everyone is tapped out. And [5:30] sometimes it truly is just like looking [5:33] at your child screaming on the floor and [5:35] going, "Okay, first of all, how do I get [5:38] you calm enough to communicate why [5:40] you're losing your mind?" [5:43] >> And then you said it like, "Do you want [5:45] water back on your apple? I can fix [5:47] that. I'll put it underneath the sink [5:49] again." Or even when you can't fix it [5:51] cuz the banana's in, too. Just simply [5:53] saying like, "That is not how you wanted [5:57] this to be." Yes. You're like [5:59] acknowledging. [6:00] >> You're acknowledging, but also [6:03] >> we have this like need in parenting [6:05] right now where it's like we need it to [6:07] be perfect [6:08] >> and it is everything but perfect, but [6:10] also the world isn't perfect. And it's [6:12] this balance of like your emotions are [6:14] real and I totally get it and I can [6:16] validate them, but like I can't fix all [6:19] of the problems and if I fix all of your [6:22] problems, I'm not setting you up for [6:23] life because one day I'm not going to [6:25] fix your problems. [6:26] >> Yeah. So it feels like there's this [6:28] balance of obviously water on an apple [6:32] is a pretty simplistic like there's not [6:36] there's not a lot riding on what we [6:38] decide to do in that situation, right? [6:40] But there are there are situations when [6:42] tantrums are are real and I think [6:46] there's also this need to and this this [6:48] want like okay we do need to have [6:50] boundaries. So what is the balance of we [6:53] want to support their feelings but also [6:56] maintain boundaries? I think that's [6:59] probably the hardest part, right? [7:01] >> Yeah. And the hard part is is we have so [7:03] much information coming at us at one [7:05] time. I sit in classes all the time and [7:08] have parents sharing like I'm feeling [7:12] overwhelmed with how much information is [7:15] at my fingertips and what do I do with [7:17] it? And I think that's a really [7:19] challenging part of parenting right now [7:20] is some of us may have been very [7:22] validated in our feelings growing up [7:24] from our own caregivers. A lot of [7:26] parents maybe didn't feel that from [7:28] their caregivers growing up. And so it's [7:30] this balance of like first of all I have [7:31] to be okay with emotions and for some of [7:34] us we're learning to be okay with [7:35] emotions as adults. So we can help our [7:38] kids be okay with emotions. And so it [7:40] starts with validating. I'm validating [7:42] to the best of my knowledge how you're [7:44] feeling right now. Cuz right now I have [7:46] no idea what you're feeling, but I can [7:47] take a guess. [7:48] >> I'm sorry you're upset that we dried the [7:51] water off the apple. [7:52] >> You're really upset that the water's off [7:54] the apple and like you can apologize or [7:57] you just like you look really sad right [8:00] now. You're really disappointed right [8:01] now. I think too kind of a sidetrack, [8:04] but like building our kids emotional [8:07] vocabulary. There's a ton of really good [8:09] information out there right now on like [8:11] the research of why building their [8:13] vocabulary around emotions at an early [8:16] age serves them not only as kids but [8:20] even as like mental health as adults. [8:22] >> Being able to figure out how we're [8:24] feeling and tell people how we're [8:26] feeling helps us long term. And so it [8:30] starts with us as a caregiver, as a [8:32] parent. You seem, you feel, you look, I [8:36] hear. you're making a guess. The nice [8:38] thing is as your kids get older, the [8:40] more vocabulary they have, the more they [8:42] can tell you whether you're right or [8:43] wrong for good, bad, or otherwise, [8:45] >> right? [8:46] >> And then we can move from there. [8:48] >> If they're upset about something and we [8:51] have a boundary like it's time to leave [8:54] the park and you don't want to leave, [8:57] acknowledging like leaving the park is [9:00] hard. You're feeling like you're not [9:02] done playing, but we have to go home and [9:05] make dinner. I'm validating [9:06] [clears throat] the feeling, but also [9:08] I'm not changing the boundary. [9:10] >> We need to go home and make dinner. Your [9:12] feelings are valid. It is now time for [9:14] us to leave the park. This is where some [9:16] research is coming in and showing that [9:17] like choice offering is really helpful [9:19] in those situations where it's like you [9:21] can be the one to make the choice of how [9:23] we get to the car or get home. Are you [9:26] gonna have the autonomy to pick your [9:29] body up and move it towards the [9:31] direction we need to go? Or am I the [9:33] caregiver, your helper, and I'm gonna [9:36] help you get to where we need to go? [9:38] Even if that means you're kicking and [9:39] screaming and having a really hard time. [9:41] I gave you your choice. [9:43] >> I gave you a minute to process. Kids [9:45] process so much slower than adults. [9:47] >> And this is important for all [9:49] interactions with kids. their process. [9:51] >> We want them to like I feel like that's [9:53] one thing we struggle with is [9:55] >> we have more urgency [9:57] >> that they're capable of having, right? [10:02] >> Yeah. [10:02] >> I asked you the question and I expect [10:04] you to respond right [clears throat] [10:05] now. [10:05] >> Yeah. [10:06] >> Where their brain is still processing [10:07] language and like decision-m and all the [10:10] things so much lower than ours. Say it, [10:12] let it sink in, and give them their [10:14] choices. [10:15] >> Yeah. and then count to 10 in your head [10:17] before you do anything, which is the [10:20] hardest part, especially when you like [10:22] we set timers in our house. So, it's [10:23] like I'm going to set the timer and when [10:25] the timer is up, it's not me, it's the [10:27] timer telling you it's time to leave. [10:29] Sometimes it works, sometimes it [10:30] doesn't. But then it's like, well, I [10:32] want two more minutes. Do I give you two [10:33] more minutes? Do I not give you two more [10:35] minutes? It depends on the situation. [10:36] But this idea of like you can have the [10:39] choice in this situation. Either you can [10:42] walk on your own or I'm going to help [10:43] you. [10:44] >> Yeah. This works for only so long [10:47] because you get to a point where it's [10:48] like I can't physically pick you up [10:50] anymore [snorts] [10:51] >> and then we get to a different area and [10:53] a different territory. But [10:56] >> this idea of like giving them autonomy [10:59] within the boundaries [11:01] >> and when they don't follow through, you [11:03] follow through. Because we want our kids [11:05] to know that like I care about how you [11:08] feel. I validate how you feel, but my [11:11] boundary is here for a reason. And your [11:14] feelings are valid, but they're not [11:15] going to change my mind. [11:16] >> Yeah. [11:17] >> It is so quick to like just give in to [11:19] the feeling because we just want it to [11:21] stop. [11:22] >> And it's usually when we're feeling [11:23] rushed. [11:24] >> So that's the emotional reaction from [11:26] us, right? So [11:28] >> So if we're going to give an example, [11:30] you can you can like grade me. So we're [11:33] at the park. It's time to go home. And [11:36] our four-year-old, he clearly doesn't [11:39] want to go home. So, I would say, you [11:40] know, I hear that you want to keep [11:42] playing at the park. You want to have, [11:44] you know, you're not done playing yet. I [11:46] can either help you get to the car or [11:48] the stroller or you can walk there [11:51] yourself. Is that kind of the idea? Like [11:53] giving them the Okay. [11:54] >> And if you can try and give them like [11:56] their autonomy piece first, [11:58] >> would you like to be the one to get to [11:59] the car on your own [12:01] >> or do you need my help? Because we the [12:03] big thing is like we want to give them [12:05] autonomy. Yeah. [12:06] >> And this is tricky. Like autonomy is [12:07] really there's a lot of research why it [12:10] is so incredibly important for kids, but [12:12] we're living in a world where we're [12:13] terrified to let our kids out of our [12:14] sight. [12:16] >> And so thinking about like giving them [12:17] as much opportunity to do things for [12:21] themselves before we jump in. [12:23] >> Yeah. [12:24] >> Because they need to feel number one [12:25] that success of like I did it myself and [12:28] number two that control over their body. [12:30] I had a parent a long long time ago in a [12:32] class come to me one day and he's like, [12:34] "I figured out the secret to parenting." [12:35] And I was like, "Please share." And he [12:37] goes, "It's a war and we have to like [12:39] pick and choose our battles." And I was [12:40] like, "In a way, yes." Like there's [12:42] going to be a lot of power struggles [12:44] that happen between us and our kids. And [12:46] it's really thinking about like how are [12:48] we helping them move forward in life and [12:51] helping them along the way take on their [12:53] own responsibilities to be a [12:56] contributing adult in the world who can [12:58] do things for themselves. but also have [13:00] like the whereabouts of knowing when I [13:02] need help. [13:02] >> Yeah. So, the more opportunities you [13:04] give them to make these decisions, the [13:08] better, right? Even though like what [13:09] what I was going to ask you is, all [13:11] right, so we've all been in the [13:13] situation at the park when it's time to [13:15] it's time to go. Would you like to walk [13:18] yourself to the stroller or would you [13:20] like me to carry you? And we get like [13:22] the defiant like, you know, I don't like [13:25] either of those options. I'm gonna keep [13:27] playing. Mhm. [13:28] >> I think that's where in my mind that's [13:30] when the emotional reaction kicks in [13:33] from us, right? Like we're like, "All [13:34] right, we're going to do this, right? [13:35] We're going to do, you know, we've we've [13:37] listened to the inside of podcast and we [13:39] know the the trick here." And then it [13:42] all falls apart cuz you're like, "I'm [13:44] not done playing." [13:45] >> Mhm. [13:45] >> Then what? [13:46] >> This is the boundary. [13:47] >> Yeah. [13:48] >> And this is the part where it gets messy [13:49] and you kind of have to figure out like [13:51] in this situation, where is the best [13:54] direction I can go? But sometimes we [13:57] rephrase what we just said or just [14:00] restate it in the same way and then we [14:03] just say it looks like you're going to [14:06] need a helper right now [14:08] >> and I'm going to come help you. The [14:11] tricky part and I don't have perfect [14:13] answers for this and this is where my [14:15] wonderful oldest comes into play is like [14:19] they take off running [14:21] >> and I'm like great now I'm chasing you [14:24] and this is not going well. I always [14:26] tell parents in my classes I am not a [14:28] perfect parent. I do all the things [14:30] against what I say to parents and then I [14:32] have to stop, pause and think about like [14:34] okay how do I help my child in this [14:35] situation cuz I parent out of emotion [14:37] sometimes too. And so when you have the [14:40] kid running away at a playground in a [14:42] public space, you got to come with me [14:44] and I'm going to have to figure out how [14:45] to safely get you to the car or to the [14:47] wagon or to the stroller. It's a safety [14:49] thing at that point. And then sometimes [14:51] too, once they're calm later on and [14:54] we've had that terrible experience of [14:57] leaving the park with the screaming [14:58] four-year-old who [15:00] >> you feel very embarrassed if there's [15:02] anybody else there watching you. [15:04] >> Mhm. That's where like once they're calm [15:06] and we are far beyond removed from the [15:08] situation, this could be at bedtime, [15:10] this could be the next day. The [15:11] beautiful thing about like the preschool [15:13] age and above is they have the memory to [15:17] like go back and retalk that happened. [15:20] And so revisiting that like yesterday or [15:22] earlier today at the park, you really [15:24] didn't want to leave. You took off [15:26] running. What did you feel in that [15:28] situation? like getting their feedback [15:29] on how it felt out of the emotional [15:31] piece and also sharing your perspective. [15:36] That's an opportunity to problem solve [15:37] for future park things. It might work [15:40] next time, it might not. [15:42] >> Yeah. [15:42] >> Sometimes sprinkling some very [15:44] well-intended reminders. [15:46] >> Yeah. [15:46] >> When we go to the park, like when I say [15:48] it's time to leave, [15:49] >> this is what we need to do. But also, [15:51] they're humans. We want little people to [15:53] be robots that we like program, but [15:55] they're humans with their own feelings [15:57] and their own thoughts and that gets [15:58] complicated. [15:59] >> Yeah. So, the circling back piece I [16:02] think is is interesting cuz, you know, [16:04] for us it's had like hit or miss [16:07] success, right, of there's sometimes you [16:09] circle back to it and they are just kind [16:12] of like staring blankly at you or like I [16:14] just want to read a book or I want to [16:15] play like this. Um, but it is [16:18] interesting. It does. It does. If [16:19] anything, it like it always makes me [16:21] feel better. Um because you can kind of [16:23] like it feels like you're addressing it [16:25] in a calm way, which like that's feels [16:28] like something we all need more of is [16:29] that calm. So walking us through that [16:32] piece is it all right. So you're asking [16:34] them how they felt in that moment and [16:36] then you know they're going to say [16:37] whatever, right? Um but then for you [16:40] it's you're then explaining to them how [16:42] you felt that moment [16:43] >> in as simple words as possible. [16:45] >> Mhm. [16:46] >> We talk too much. When you ran away, I [16:48] felt scared. [16:50] >> Yeah. That's it. [16:51] >> That's it. [16:51] >> Yeah. Because they [16:52] >> Because then we want to go into an [16:53] explanation. Yeah. [16:54] >> We want to go down like a whole lecture [16:56] of what was happening in our brain and [16:58] all the things that we [16:59] >> we need we need to listen because and [17:01] yeah, at that point they're checked out. [17:03] >> Also, like humans don't like being [17:06] called out on you. Like we're so quick [17:09] to say you statements. You did this, you [17:11] did that. It made like [17:12] >> You're right. That's not a kid thing [17:13] either. [17:14] >> That's not a kid thing. That's a people [17:15] thing. and they are just young humans [17:18] learning how to be humans. [17:19] >> And so thinking about how do we say like [17:21] the I statements on how I felt in that [17:23] situation [17:24] >> and then inviting them to chime in when [17:27] they're able and wanting to [17:29] >> and if they don't want to, they don't [17:31] want to. That's where I love children's [17:32] books. This is the age where you can [17:34] find a children's book on most topics. [17:36] Um in our house, we have lots of books [17:39] about different feelings and emotions [17:41] and then we have like books that talk [17:43] about different emotion words. My [17:45] daughter went through a really good [17:47] hitting phase and I was like, great, [17:49] let's get some books on why we don't hit [17:51] people and what we do instead. [17:53] >> Sometimes it's a lot easier to talk [17:55] about somebody else's feelings and [17:57] emotions than it is to talk about our [17:59] own. [17:59] >> Yeah, [18:00] >> it feels vulnerable when it's us being [18:02] >> put on blast. [18:04] >> That's great. Okay, so now we're going [18:05] to switch gears a little bit. How do we [18:07] handle [18:09] discipline? And obviously that varies by [18:11] age, right? Um, [18:13] what are some positive discipline [18:16] strategies, if they exist, for working [18:19] through some of these hard toddler [18:21] situations? [18:22] >> Yeah, the list of discipline strategies [18:24] is like a million miles long. And I [18:27] always like to tell parents like we have [18:28] a tool box when we're parenting. And [18:31] when we have our toolbox, there's [18:33] different tools that work in different [18:35] situations. And so, it's really [18:36] navigating what tool is going to work [18:39] for me in this moment. If my child is [18:41] having a very hard time getting on a [18:43] jacket and it's cold outside, how much [18:47] time are we going to be outside from [18:51] like the what's the need level of this [18:53] jacket [18:55] >> to put my own parenting on blast this [18:57] morning getting my 20-month-old dressed [18:59] and ready to go was really challenging [19:03] and we were running late. So, in my [19:05] head, the walk from our back door to the [19:08] car and from the car to daycare's front [19:12] door was short enough with the weather [19:15] outside that I had the shoes in one [19:17] hand, the jacket in one hand, and the [19:18] kid. [19:19] >> No socks, no shoes, no jacket, [19:22] >> but he was safe because I was outside [19:25] for 30 seconds and it's not 50 outside. [19:29] So that natural consequence, this comes [19:31] in play with the older kids who are [19:33] getting on the bus where it's like, I [19:34] don't need my jacket. Send the jacket [19:36] with them. Make sure they have what they [19:38] need when they decide to do it. But this [19:40] is where natural consequences [19:43] >> sometimes come into play where it's like [19:45] if you learn just by simply the [19:47] situation, like how does that work? And [19:50] so natural consequences is a good one [19:51] that I like. Also just redirecting the [19:53] behavior like validating the feeling, [19:55] setting the boundary and just redirect. [19:57] The younger age group is really nice to [19:59] redirect and it's a really good strategy [20:01] to use because they can get on to [20:04] something different. Like if they're [20:06] constantly hitting the cat or the dog, [20:08] >> pick them up, scoop them up, move them [20:10] to a different part of the house and [20:11] help them engage in a different toy [20:13] that's filling that need. Figure out [20:16] what the need is and give them a [20:17] different alternative on how to do that. [20:19] or in some situations with some [20:21] behaviors, our kids are just [20:22] overstimulated and they really just need [20:25] us to get them out of that situation and [20:27] help them calm down. Timeouts is a [20:29] really tricky behavioral thing because [20:33] it's very popular, but the actual like [20:35] way and execution and like the way [20:37] timeouts take place in different [20:38] families is so different. [20:40] >> Yeah. [20:40] >> And really thinking about like when our [20:43] children are having big emotions, they [20:45] need an adult to help them regulate [20:48] those emotions. Some kids really need [20:50] that like warm comforting like contact [20:53] way to calm down. Some kids don't want [20:55] you to touch them when they're angry, [20:57] but we need to be close by so that they [20:59] know that we are there as a support if [21:03] they need it. And so timeouts are [21:06] effective when we are still with them in [21:11] some way. There's wavering. There's a [21:13] ton of different research on both sides [21:14] of timeouts, but the idea of like go to [21:18] your room because you're misbehaving and [21:22] I don't want to deal with you right now. [21:24] >> Like you're isolating them. [21:25] >> I'm isolating you is not teaching them [21:29] how to regulate emotions and [21:32] [clears throat] really work through the [21:34] problem. And so thinking about like how [21:37] in my family knowing my child's [21:39] temperament, how do I help them calm [21:42] [clears throat] down so we can work [21:43] through the problem? We're really trying [21:45] to like solve the problem. Discipline by [21:49] definition is to teach our kids. [21:52] >> We're we often put discipline and [21:55] punishment in the same thought. [21:57] >> Mhm. [21:58] >> And we want our kids to learn through [22:00] punishments. Punishments don't teach [22:03] them anything. It just teaches them to [22:05] either avoid that behavior or hide it so [22:09] that you don't know. So they are getting [22:12] out of the punishment, [22:13] >> right? They're not avoiding it from the [22:15] standpoint of like learning that this [22:17] was wrong. It's just they don't want to [22:19] be in this situation again and they're [22:21] going to find a way to avoid it somehow. [22:24] >> Yeah. I'm going to hide this from you so [22:25] that I don't get punished for it versus [22:27] like [22:28] >> letting them feel. The other thing with [22:30] that too, which is interesting, I'm [22:33] currently at the U of M finishing my [22:35] MERS in parent and family education. And [22:37] so this semester I've been looking at a [22:40] lot of research and looking at a lot of [22:41] information on a variety of topics. But [22:44] what I think is really interesting is [22:45] like we want to find ways to help our [22:49] kids navigate and figure out how to help [22:53] them take the steps through life and [22:55] giving them as much control as we can [22:58] and letting them feel what it feels like [23:01] when they make a mistake. My daughter [23:03] the other day got mad at me and she [23:05] threw something and it broke and you [23:07] could just see the look on her face when [23:09] she was just like, "I didn't expect that [23:12] to happen. I feel really big emotions [23:14] about that and I have really big [23:16] feelings about that. And I didn't say [23:18] it's okay. Like I was there to comfort [23:20] her, but I wanted her to feel that [23:22] weight of like that thing is broken now. [23:25] And that was because of a behavior and a [23:27] really just knee-jerk reaction that she [23:29] had in that moment. Her feelings took [23:31] over and she threw it, which is normal [23:34] for kids to throw things when they're [23:35] upset. And just like let her feel it. or [23:38] when our older kids have like they hit [23:41] their sibling or do something that hurts [23:42] somebody else's body, we have this like [23:45] need to make their guilt go away, but [23:47] rather like letting them sit in that [23:48] guilt a little bit and feel what that [23:50] feels like because that in and of itself [23:53] is way more impactful in guiding their [23:56] behavior in the future [23:58] >> than it is to like lecture them on why [24:01] what they did was wrong. Mhm. I think [24:03] that's a good example that you know had [24:06] on the list, right, is you know, [24:08] especially if there's multiple siblings, [24:10] there's a lot of opportunities for [24:12] interaction and that can be, as we all [24:15] know, positive and cute and all the [24:17] things, right? But then there's the [24:19] moments of, you know, our four-year-old [24:21] goes and just kind of steamrolls or [24:24] smacks our 2-year-old. in those moments, [24:27] you know, and like you said, every kid's [24:29] a little different, but what's a good [24:31] baseline for us when, okay, [24:33] four-year-old goes over, smacks a [24:35] 2-year-old, now what? [24:37] >> Depending on the situation in that [24:40] situation, first of all, curiosity of [24:43] like, what's happening? Even just [24:45] stating like, I saw somebody hit [24:47] somebody else. Why did that happen? If [24:50] the child is actually hurt, like go to [24:51] the hurt child first. Always go to the [24:53] hurt child first. But thinking about [24:55] like sibling dynamics are really tricky [24:58] because sometimes it's better to just [25:00] let them work it out to some degree, but [25:02] we don't want to let siblings like [25:04] actually continually hurt each other cuz [25:05] that doesn't help their relationship. [25:07] But it's this balance of like how much [25:09] is too much. Going to them and trying to [25:11] be like somebody hurt somebody and I'd [25:13] like to figure out what's going on. Come [25:15] at it as the mediator. I'm the mediator [25:18] in this situation and we're going to try [25:20] and figure out what's going on. younger [25:24] ages, we have to help them and guide [25:25] them and show them the right way to do [25:27] it. Older siblings were looking for like [25:30] information like did something happen. [25:32] It's very possible that either the [25:34] younger sibling had a toy that they [25:36] wanted. [25:36] >> I was just about to say it always seems [25:38] like it's centered around an object, [25:40] right? [25:40] >> It's always an object. Um, and I think [25:42] that's you're saying this and it's kind [25:44] of clicking in my head of when you try [25:46] to, you know, intervene in whatever way, [25:48] it's a lot of the older sibling has a [25:52] little more they they understand how to [25:54] use their body more for whatever reason, [25:58] manipulative or not. [26:00] >> And then it's always like when they [26:02] smack their younger sibling, it's then [26:05] this like, well, so and so took XYZ from [26:10] me. So that that kind of I thought I [26:12] think the idea of mediating it is is [26:15] interesting. [26:15] >> Mad. [26:16] >> You were holding that toy and your [26:18] younger brother came up and took it from [26:20] you and that made you really mad. Look [26:22] at your brother's face. He's feeling [26:24] really sad. And when you hit him, that [26:26] really hurt his body and now he's [26:28] crying. If your brother has a toy, [26:30] what's a different way you can get the [26:31] toy without hurting his body? Where I'm [26:34] like, I'm empathetic to how you're [26:35] feeling. This takes a moment of like [26:38] collecting yourself before you [26:40] [laughter] go do this because usually [26:42] when you see an older child and it's [26:44] always we always take the younger kids [26:45] side [26:46] >> cuz they're the baby and the older kid [26:48] is left in higher expectations, right? [26:50] >> We do and they're usually unrealistic. [26:52] Usually we have this idea that just [26:54] because they're older, they now have [26:56] reached this cognitive ability that they [26:58] can do all of these great amazing [27:01] problemsolving things and they can't. [27:02] Mhm. [27:03] >> But like checking your own emotions and [27:05] if you can't check your own emotions, [27:06] just get over there and then start your [27:08] own deep breathing and like whatever [27:10] your mantra is to check yourself and [27:13] then try and be curious. It's trying to [27:15] be curious to get more information cuz [27:17] 90% of the time when this happens, we [27:20] didn't see it. We heard it. [27:22] >> Mhm. [27:22] >> And when we do see it, we just narrate [27:25] what we saw. So it seems like what we're [27:27] trying to do is get and in these [27:30] situations, you want to at whatever [27:33] sibling it is, you want them to start [27:35] generating awareness of how their [27:37] actions impact others, right? And if you [27:41] >> if we go back to like, you know, the [27:43] timeout approach by removing them, [27:46] you're [27:47] >> you're removing them almost from those [27:49] opportunities to learn that impact in a [27:51] way. Is that kind of the theory? And we [27:53] have this idea of like you're going to [27:55] go sit in the timeout spot and you're [27:58] going to think about what you did for [28:00] however many years a minute for each [28:02] year you have. And we're under this [28:04] impression that they're thinking about [28:06] what they did. They're not [28:08] self-reflecting. They self-reflect with [28:10] an adult's help. They're just thinking [28:12] about how mean you are for throwing them [28:13] in there and not hearing their side of [28:14] the story [28:14] >> or they've already like moved on to the [28:16] >> or they've already moved on and they're [28:17] trying to escape from timeout cuz [28:19] they're having a very different [28:20] emotional response, [28:21] >> right? And so thinking about like I have [28:23] lots of families who use timeouts and [28:25] they feel like they work. And I am a big [28:27] like my biggest message to parents is [28:30] we're building your toolbox and then you [28:32] know your child, you know your family [28:35] best. You know your values. [28:37] >> Yeah. [28:38] >> And anything that's ever shared in the [28:40] parenting world that doesn't fit your [28:42] family values and what you're trying to [28:45] teach your kids shouldn't be used in [28:47] your home [28:48] >> because it doesn't match what you're [28:50] trying to teach. [28:51] >> Right? And so [clears throat] [28:52] take pieces that work and leave the [28:54] pieces that don't. And when you're at [28:56] the point where you're like, "This is no [28:58] longer working for me." That's where we [28:59] go looking for more information. [29:01] Inundated with information, you find it [29:03] everywhere. [29:03] >> As we kind of put a bow on like the [29:05] behavior and discipline section. Yeah, [29:08] there's situations where I I think one [29:10] thing we see a lot is this kind of it [29:12] almost feels like a windup of like you [29:14] like this building of and I think a lot [29:16] of it like you said kind of comes with [29:18] the time of day like end of the day [29:21] >> we're either hungry, we're we've had a [29:24] big day of [snorts] trying to navigate [29:26] the world and we're like it almost feels [29:29] like one of those toys where you wind [29:30] them up and they get home and now [29:32] they're [29:33] >> doing whatever the toy is supposed to [29:35] do. Is there ever situations and you [29:38] know I don't know if I'd call it like a [29:39] timeout but it's more of like we need to [29:41] like me some space to just kind of bring [29:45] it down a level. [29:46] >> Decompression time. There's connection [29:48] time. A lot of times our kids are [29:49] looking for connection. Their behaviors [29:51] are a way of trying to connect with us. [29:55] This is a totally different tangent for [29:56] a whole different situation. But like [29:59] the basic needs um approach [30:01] [clears throat] that the district's [30:02] taking right now. We're looking at like [30:04] the five basic needs. figuring out like [30:06] what need is my child meeting with their [30:08] behavior? And again, that's a whole [30:10] another conversation that could be saved [30:11] for a different time. But that idea of [30:13] like why are you behaving this way and [30:15] what do you need right now and how do I [30:17] help you with that? Knowing that like [30:19] this time of day is hard for us always, [30:22] what is something that we can factor in [30:24] to help? Like if you get home and your [30:27] child is melting because they're [30:28] starving, but it's dinner time and you [30:31] still have to make dinner. What is the [30:34] snack quote unquote that's available in [30:38] this moment so that you stop screaming [30:42] at my ankles that you're hungry but also [30:45] won't ruin your dinner. [30:47] >> And so figuring out like what what does [30:48] that mean for your family in my house [30:51] that means you stand on your learning [30:53] tower while I'm cooking in front of you [30:55] and you get the vegetable that's [30:57] happening for the night. Whether you [30:58] choose to eat that or not is your own [31:00] choice. It's not my choice. But I have [31:02] back to your choices. [laughter] [31:04] >> I have provided you with something to [31:05] eat. [31:07] >> My daughter uses the term, I want [31:08] something to gnaw on. I was like, okay, [31:10] here is your opportunity. [31:13] >> Better this vegetable than your sibling. [31:15] Yeah. [31:15] >> Right. [laughter] Like here's your [31:17] opportunity. And so thinking about like [31:19] how do we set them up? I also too like [31:22] going back to like the timeout piece or [31:23] like timeins [31:25] >> this idea of like how do we set up [31:27] spaces in our home that are a part of [31:30] the like normal space that we're in that [31:35] has quieter more calming activities. The [31:38] idea of like a calming corner, which is [31:40] used a lot in our preschool classrooms, [31:42] >> is something easily utilized in the [31:45] home. And I can send links and link [31:48] stuff like resources, but like how do [31:50] you create a calming space in your home? [31:52] Like what toys help your child and toys [31:55] meaning non battery operated, non-screen [31:59] things to reset their bodies. Usually [32:04] it's soft items like stuffed animals or [32:07] books or fidgets or things that like [32:09] help them reset. And trying to figure [32:11] out like when you have a problem area [32:14] that's constant, figuring out how do we [32:16] target that area and rethink this part [32:19] of our routine to make it work better [32:21] for us. [32:22] >> And I I suppose there's this piece of [32:24] you don't want to make like if if every [32:27] time there's misbehavior we send them to [32:29] their room. Well, now there's this [32:31] association with the room as like this [32:34] is where I go and they might not know [32:36] why necessarily, but this is where I go [32:38] and they view as like a punitive thing, [32:41] right? So then [32:42] >> then it's harder to use that space as, [32:45] you know, a calming area because the [32:47] only time they go there is when mommy or [32:49] daddy or whoever is yelling at them, [32:51] right? [32:51] >> Yep. And that's why like we the biggest [32:54] thing about learning and teaching and a [32:56] lot of these skills is like it happens [32:57] when they're calm. We try and teach new [32:59] things when they're upset versus like [33:02] teaching them when they're calm. And so [33:03] if you have this like calming space in [33:06] your home and the real idea behind it is [33:08] like somewhere that they can still see [33:10] you but can also take a break and get [33:13] away like if they eventually so you have [33:16] this space, you have this like box of [33:18] toys or whatever and you teach them [33:21] what's in there. When they're calm, you [33:22] figure out and kind of tell them what [33:24] this is and what its intended purpose [33:26] is. And then you can ask them if they [33:30] want to go step over there and help like [33:31] to take a minute. And if they don't, [33:33] they don't. That's fine. But also like [33:35] if they're over there and their siblings [33:37] coming in and bothering them, that's a [33:40] great opportunity to let the sibling [33:41] know like it looks like your brother [33:43] needs time to himself right now. He's [33:46] trying to take a break. I'm going to [33:49] help you find something else so he can [33:50] have that break. So, I'm honoring when [33:52] they're using it the way I want them to [33:53] use it [33:54] >> and preventing the other [33:56] >> person from and then we can always check [33:58] in with them like do you want my help or [34:00] not? [34:01] >> So, I think we can kind of segue into [34:04] you know the social emotional some of [34:06] those pieces. I feel like we've touched [34:09] on this a little, but when these huge [34:12] feelings are happening, like we want to [34:16] like I feel like the, you know, the buzz [34:18] word or buzz phrase is like use your [34:20] words. I feel like we need to [34:23] collectively do better at like helping [34:26] coach them through their feelings and [34:29] like help build their vocabulary [34:32] vocabulary as you mentioned on like what [34:34] those feelings are. So, how do we go [34:36] about we'll call it emotional coaching? [34:39] >> We It's so hard cuz we're always like, [34:41] "Use your words." But their words are [34:43] offline, especially the little ones. [34:45] Like, their words are gone now when [34:47] they're emotionally disregulated. [34:49] And so, it's really like co-regulate. [34:52] Co-regulation is the key to most things. [34:56] And like figuring out when they're in [34:58] their storm, how do I help them weather [35:00] it? I'm not trying to shorten it. But [35:02] I'm not trying like all I'm trying to do [35:04] is be present and ready to help them [35:08] through that. And it looks very [35:09] different for each kid. [35:11] >> Before we move on, so when you say their [35:13] words are gone, is that the is that back [35:15] to the brain science? [35:16] >> It's back to the brain science. They [35:17] when they are emotionally charged, they [35:20] typically cannot get their words out. [35:22] Some can, and when they can try and [35:25] figure out what it is they're trying to [35:27] tell you, it depends on how disregulated [35:30] they are. I mean, some kids are only [35:31] mildly dregulated. They're still [35:33] dysregulated and they still need that [35:35] co-regulation piece, but if they can use [35:38] their words, that's great. Sometimes [35:40] when we want them to use their words, we [35:42] can like face to face or body to body [35:45] taking deep breaths together and like [35:47] doing it with them. Um, in my household, [35:50] I also often get yelled at that they [35:52] don't want to take deep breaths and I'm [35:54] like, that's fine. You don't have to. I [35:57] need to take some deep breaths and I [35:59] will do it and when they're ready they [36:03] join me. Sometimes it's quick, sometimes [36:06] [laughter] it's long. Tantrums can last [36:08] a very long time. That's usually when [36:11] we're like, "Okay, enough is enough. [36:12] Like be done with this now." But I think [36:15] sometimes remembering that like they are [36:16] humans and they're people and we talk to [36:18] them in a negative way versus like [36:21] really being empathetic to how they're [36:23] feeling in that moment. I mean, talk to [36:25] kids the way you would want to be talked [36:27] to by another adult because they're [36:29] learning to be adults. Not yet. They're [36:32] learning how to just be people, but like [36:34] the more we can model the behaviors we [36:35] want, the easier it is for them to [36:37] >> connect with it. [36:38] >> I think what So, so if we were to [36:41] summarize that, it's a it's the best [36:43] strategy to start with is modeling the [36:45] behavior. [36:46] >> Mhm. If you're yelling at your child to [36:47] calm down, [laughter] it's probably a [36:50] good time to like stop and calm down [36:53] yourself. Yep. [36:54] >> That's usually when my brain kicks in [36:56] and goes, "Hm, you should probably [36:57] practice what you're telling people." [36:59] Um, [37:00] >> so true. [37:00] >> When I'm just like, "And now I'm [37:02] yelling. No one is going to work get [37:05] through this if I don't stop." [37:06] >> All right, let's move through a few like [37:08] specifics of social emotional [37:11] development. So, separation anxiety, [37:14] where do we start with that? you have [37:17] created this bond with this little [37:18] person and they know that you are safe [37:20] and you're going to meet all of their [37:21] needs and learning to trust other adults [37:25] can be hard. It's a developmental shift [37:28] that they go through at varying times [37:30] throughout their first couple years of [37:32] life and each child's temperament plays [37:36] a role in how they separate. And so it's [37:39] not just one thing. The biggest thing [37:41] about separation is when we can prepare [37:45] them ahead of time for what's going to [37:47] happen. And there's a lot of different [37:49] tools we can use to prepare them. The [37:51] easiest tool that requires nothing is [37:53] just talking about it. If you have the [37:54] opportunity, like you're starting a new [37:56] school or something, show them if you [37:57] can go bring them there. Show them what [37:59] they're going to do. Talk about what [38:00] they're going to do. And then when it [38:02] comes time, you can do this before, too. [38:05] And actually, it'd be better to do it [38:06] before, but like start creating a [38:08] goodbye ritual that you and your child [38:10] have that's special. It's something [38:12] quick, a big hug. I love you. I'll see [38:14] you after class. And then we say [38:17] goodbye. We turn around and we go. The [38:22] hardest thing about separation is our [38:24] child has big feelings and they're [38:27] having big emotional responses. And I [38:29] just got done saying how we have to be [38:30] responsive to that and like help them [38:32] and support them. But when it comes to [38:34] separation, the hope is that we're [38:36] leaving them with people that we trust [38:38] or if you've never met these teachers [38:40] before, finding ways to like be okay [38:43] with it and know that like I signed up [38:44] for this class for a reason, they're [38:46] going to be okay. And so when we say [38:48] goodbye and we walk out the door and we [38:51] don't turn around, even when our child [38:53] is having a hard time, that signals to [38:56] our child in a non-verbal way that I [38:58] trust the people I'm with and I'm going [39:01] to come back when I said I was going to [39:02] come back. we have to come back when we [39:04] say we're gonna come back. [39:05] >> It's almost like a confidence thing. [39:06] >> It's a confidence thing. And then it's [39:08] practice and repetition. Kids learn in a [39:11] cyclical fashion. They need things [39:12] repeated over and over and over again, [39:15] whether it's the words we use or the [39:16] behaviors that we have. But the more we [39:19] like stick to what we say and practice [39:22] it, the easier it gets for them. I [39:24] always tell parents in like if you're [39:27] only separating one or two times a week, [39:30] it's going to take several weeks for a [39:33] child who's really upset to cope and [39:36] start to build that trust because what [39:37] has happening is you are now gone and [39:41] they have to trust other adults to care [39:44] for them. And if they've never been [39:45] asked to do this before, that is scary. [39:48] And they will learn that trust the more [39:50] consistent you are. There's also a lot [39:52] of tools. We use a lot of like social [39:55] stories which is basically a series of [39:57] pictures that tell a story of like [39:59] separation. So in an early childhood [40:01] family education class, ECF class, um we [40:04] will often give our parents a social [40:06] story that talks about school and has [40:08] pictures of the classroom and the [40:10] teachers and walks them through the [40:11] schedule and we keep the same schedule [40:14] every single day so that the kids know [40:17] what to expect. and our kids anticipate [40:19] separation and I still have kids we're [40:21] you know in mid November and we started [40:23] in September and I have kids who are [40:24] still sad [40:25] >> at drop off but because we continually [40:29] do what we said we were going to do [40:31] they're slowly learning [40:33] >> to trust that like the teachers have [40:35] them and the parents come back when they [40:37] say they're going to come back. The [40:38] hardest thing is that pause and that [40:39] hesitation, which I always tell parents, [40:41] I'm like, I'm going to ask you to do [40:42] something that goes against every bit of [40:44] your parenting instinct. And I know that [40:47] this is going to be hard for you. And I [40:48] have parents who cry when they separate [40:49] from their kids. And I validate that. I [40:52] have been that parent before. It's [40:54] [clears throat] hard to trust somebody [40:55] else with your child. But hopefully, [40:56] we're leaving them with people that we [40:58] trust. [40:58] >> Okay, let's talk about sharing. Um, we [41:00] mentioned it earlier. It's usually the [41:03] uh the ignition to a lot of these big [41:06] feelings. And so, how do we are there [41:09] any basic things we can do to to start [41:12] helping [41:13] teaching our kids how to share things? [41:16] >> If I'm on the phone and my child is [41:18] asking for my phone, I'm not sharing it. [41:21] That's not happening. I'm in the middle [41:24] of trying to schedule something and I'm [41:26] not giving you my phone right now. [41:28] [clears throat] [41:28] >> Sharing is a concept that we just like [41:30] readily want our kids to hand something [41:31] over to somebody else because they [41:33] wanted it. When if you think about it [41:35] from the adult lens, I don't just give [41:37] you something cuz you want it every [41:40] time. Sometimes I'm like, "Yeah, here. [41:41] I'm done with it. Take it. That'd be [41:43] great." And a lot of times it's like, [41:45] "No, I'm still playing with the train. I [41:47] am building blocks. I'm not interested [41:49] in sharing this with you." [41:50] >> And so often times we come from this [41:52] like share it, share it, share it. Where [41:55] it's like instead of sharing a lot of [41:56] things in our preschool classes, we're [41:58] doing this a lot. We're taking turns and [42:00] we're trading. Can [clears throat] you [42:01] trade for something? If the person [42:02] doesn't want to trade, can you ask them [42:05] when they're done to give it to the [42:06] child who wants it? This gets really, [42:09] it's easy to do, not easy to do, it's [42:11] easier to do in a preschool classroom [42:14] when you're the teacher and you're [42:15] leading a group of kids. This is so much [42:17] harder to do at the library when you [42:19] have the communal toys that don't belong [42:21] to anybody and it's like, we'll share it [42:23] with this child who just walked over and [42:25] asked for it. And so thinking about like [42:27] how do we model for our kids and [42:30] advocate? I always tell parents in my [42:32] classes, I'm like, you don't have to [42:34] have your child share something. Like, [42:35] if another child walks up and you're [42:37] playing with the trains and the other [42:38] child reaches for them, it's okay to [42:40] gently put your hand up and say, wait, [42:42] we're still using it. You're kind, but [42:44] you're also physically giving them a [42:47] second form of communication of like, [42:49] pause your hand, you can't take it. [42:51] Also, if you don't have other kids, [42:53] sharing is something that kids navigate [42:55] often at home. Um, which gets more [42:57] complicated, but even when you're [43:00] playing with your child, modeling that. [43:01] Often times, we play with their toys [43:03] with them and then our child takes it [43:04] right out of our hands and we don't care [43:06] cuz we're not emotionally invested in [43:08] the toy. I always tell parents, if [43:09] you're having a hard time sharing, like [43:11] if your child is having a hard time [43:12] sharing and you want to start teaching [43:14] some of these foundational skills, like [43:16] put your hand up and be like, "Wait, I'm [43:18] still using it." And I really like [43:20] nonverbal like hand gestures to go with [43:23] sharing. So like physically putting your [43:25] hand up to stop them from taking it and [43:27] hold it closer to your body cuz that's [43:29] what your child's going to do. They're [43:30] going to take it and they're going to [43:31] hold it really close to their body and [43:33] turn their body away. It's that [43:34] non-verbal communication. And so you're [43:36] modeling the non-verbal communication [43:38] with the words and we're physically [43:40] saying like I'm not done with it yet. If [43:42] you're teaching this as a parent, I'm [43:44] going to play with it for 30 seconds and [43:46] then be like I'm all done. Here you go. [43:47] I'm going to model sharing for you. [43:49] >> So now they're starting to make that [43:51] connection. [43:52] >> They should be starting to make the [43:53] connection again. [laughter] All [43:55] parenting things like we're like, well, [43:56] we did the thing and now they should [43:58] know. [43:59] >> Repetition. [44:00] >> If you don't repeat it enough [44:02] >> and even when you think they know, you [44:04] still have to repeat it. [44:05] >> And so it's a constant message, but [44:07] again, like back to public spaces, [44:09] advocate for your child. Don't let other [44:11] kids take stuff away from them. If we [44:13] all did that, we'd be helping each other [44:15] out. And then making sure that our child [44:17] knows like when they're done, go share [44:19] that with the other kid. Go trade it. Go [44:21] give it to them. Classrooms have a lot [44:22] of things like timers and stuff like [44:23] that. Sometimes parents can implement [44:25] that at home depending on how you know [44:27] the reality is when you have something [44:29] it's like the novelty thing and other [44:31] people want it. And so just teaching our [44:33] kids that like you don't always have to [44:35] share because if you think about sharing [44:36] like always having someone come up to [44:38] you and ask for something and you just [44:40] give it to them because they asked. If [44:41] that's the message that we're creating [44:42] in a child's brain every single time, [44:45] what does that look like as an adult? [44:47] Like that's not the message that I want. [44:48] I don't want to just my kid to think [44:49] that they have to give everything up [44:50] even if they really like it just because [44:52] someone else wants it versus like [44:54] teaching them that like no, this is mine [44:55] and I'm not interested in sharing it, [44:57] which is completely fair. Communal toys [44:59] are communal toys. We have to share [45:00] those at some point whether we play with [45:02] it till it's time to leave and then the [45:04] next child gets it or you know, however [45:07] you navigate that. But like there are [45:09] some things that are special to us and [45:10] I'm not going to share it with you and [45:12] that's okay. I don't have to share [45:13] everything. [45:14] >> All right, we're going to switch gears [45:15] again and go into routines. All the [45:19] things that come with that. Again, we've [45:21] touched on these. Um I've mentioned [45:25] dinner time. You've mentioned getting [45:27] out the door. Another big one, bedtime, [45:31] right? I think we've we've all had our [45:34] >> our es and flows with bedtime. How do we [45:38] reconcile some of these challenges for [45:40] bedtimes? Whether it's the the kind of [45:42] the classic like stalling for going to [45:44] bed, sometimes it's um you know waking [45:47] up at night. [45:49] >> What are some practical strategies on [45:51] navigating some of that? [45:53] >> Um if bedtime is an absolute disaster in [45:56] your house right now, it's time to [45:58] rethink like is my child overt tired? [46:01] cuz overt tired does create bigger [46:04] higher emotions and bigger tantrums [46:08] we'll call it. And [snorts] so thinking [46:10] about like are we getting to bed too [46:11] late? Most families are. [46:13] >> Yeah. Cuz logic logic would say, "Oh, [46:15] they're super tired. They should go to [46:17] bed." And that's [46:17] >> Yeah. If they're super tired, like the [46:19] zooies and the like big feelings is [46:22] usually an indicator that you are too [46:24] [clears throat] late for bed and now [46:26] we're just going to weather the storm [46:27] and get them to bed and we're going to [46:29] do something different tomorrow. But [46:31] that idea of like how like and also [46:33] what's our routine? Do we have a solid [46:36] routine around bedtime? And if we don't, [46:40] this is where we can really like make [46:42] some changes. When our kids know like [46:44] what to expect next and what the [46:46] expectation is, it flows easier for [46:50] them. And so thinking about like you can [46:52] do like just this is what we do first, [46:56] second, third, fourth. So, like take a [46:58] bath, then we're going to brush our [46:59] teeth, then we're going to get jammies [47:01] on, whatever, right? [47:02] >> Whatever your routine is, keep it [47:04] consistent every single day and know [47:06] that your kids need like a couple weeks [47:09] of the same routine for it to actually [47:10] sink in. Just because you did it last [47:12] night or for this week, they're not [47:14] going to get it. [47:15] >> But keep going. other strategies and [47:18] this is for like if you have the time [47:19] for this. So many parents don't have the [47:22] time for this and I only say this for [47:23] those of like who really need something [47:25] more on a night that everyone is [47:28] actually like composed. [47:31] Have some fun taking pictures of them [47:33] doing each of the steps of their [47:35] routine. And if you have access to [47:38] technology and the printer, print out [47:41] the pictures. It could be there's so [47:43] many visual schedules online. You could [47:44] go real detailed or very basic of just [47:46] pictures, [47:47] >> but sometimes giving them again that [47:49] autonomy of like, [47:51] >> I put up the pictures of you doing the [47:54] routine and now I'm going to pretend [47:55] like I don't know what comes next. Oh, [47:58] it's bedtime. The clock says this. What [48:00] do we do first? Let's go look at your [48:02] schedule. What's next? Like giving them [48:04] some of the control in it and bringing [48:06] them into it. And then thinking about [48:08] like how do we keep it short? It doesn't [48:10] have to be forever. It doesn't have to [48:11] be super long. what works for your [48:14] family. Just because it's the routine [48:16] doesn't mean that it can't be tweaked. [48:18] >> Yeah. [48:18] >> Oftentimes we have to make adjustments [48:20] as things are happening cuz maybe [48:22] there's a night that we have a late [48:23] activity and our bedtime routine is [48:26] condensed that night because we don't [48:27] have time for our normal routine on a [48:30] day that we have, you know, an hour [48:32] before bedtime. [48:33] >> Yeah. Okay. What about potty training? [48:35] [laughter] [48:36] We're we're in like this mo moment of [48:40] with our our 2-year-old of, you know, I [48:43] think our oldest was like, you know, we [48:46] we often compare our kids, right? [48:48] >> I think our oldest was potty train at [48:50] this point and we're like having this [48:52] discussion of like how do how do we [48:55] start this and how do we [laughter] how [48:57] do we reconcile this [48:58] >> potty training? there is a lot of [49:01] information on and a lot of research in [49:04] different directions on and this is one [49:06] where I really encourage parents to like [49:09] >> do some digging into [49:12] the information available to you and [49:14] figure out what is the best fit for our [49:17] family and this child because it's so [49:21] easy to compare but it's really about [49:23] like this person is learning something [49:26] new. There is research that shows that [49:28] doing it at an early age, 15 to 22 [49:32] months, like you can do it and you have [49:35] to do it in a certain way cuz you're [49:36] teaching them a new skill. And then [49:38] there's a lot of other research that [49:40] says like more of letting the child take [49:42] the lead on it and being the one to [49:44] initiate. And my biggest message to [49:48] parents is most children don't go to [49:50] kindergarten and diapers unless there is [49:52] a developmental physical reason why or [49:56] you have gotten yourself into such an [49:58] intense power struggle that they're [50:00] holding on to one of the things that [50:02] they can hold on to. [50:04] >> And likely if that's the case, peer [50:06] pressure will push them the rest of the [50:09] way. Most of the time that's not the [50:12] case though. And so you really have to [50:13] figure out what method will work for my [50:15] family. There's like the three-day [50:18] method where you take their pants off [50:19] and let them run around the house naked. [50:21] >> If you're a clean freak and the idea of [50:22] your kid having an accident on your [50:24] couch is absolutely horrifying to you, [50:27] don't use that method. That's not a good [50:29] method for you cuz you are teaching them [50:31] something new. And if you're emotionally [50:33] charged, you're not teaching them [50:35] anything except for that they get a very [50:38] large negative reaction from parent when [50:39] they pee all over the couch. [50:41] >> Right? And so figuring out like what [50:42] works for me, what works for them, and [50:44] picking that time. There's just so much [50:47] information out there. My other piece of [50:49] advice to a lot of parents is a lot of [50:51] people are potty training because they [50:53] have like a preschool program they want [50:56] to get into or like they need to be [50:58] potty trained for this reason. And when [51:01] we have a hidden agenda and that's [51:04] driving our emotional response to this [51:07] learning, it doesn't usually end in our [51:10] favor. and pushing our kids to potty [51:13] train when they're truly having a very [51:16] large emotional response to it can cause [51:19] problems later on. So, it's this balance [51:21] of like what will work and all of the [51:24] books say don't abandon once you start. [51:26] I would disagree if they're truly like [51:29] they're going to have a hard time. [51:31] They're learning something new. They're [51:32] going to have accidents. I mean, my [51:34] child's been potty trained for over a [51:36] year and a half and had an accident [51:38] recently, which caught me off guard, but [51:40] I'm like, "Okay, that was an accident." [51:41] Like, it's fine. We all make we all have [51:42] accidents. [51:43] >> And so, but figuring out like what is [51:44] the approach that is going to work for [51:47] us? And then if they're really having a [51:49] hard time, take a break. Stop. It's okay [51:52] to come back to it. Every time they have [51:54] an accident is not the time to take a [51:56] break because accidents happen. But if [51:58] they're like truly like having a large [52:01] emotional response, it's good to [52:04] rethink like is this really what's best [52:06] for us right now? [52:07] >> And always consult with your [52:08] pediatrician. [52:09] >> Yeah. [52:09] >> Especially around constipation. [52:11] >> Potty training and constipation go hand [52:13] in hand a lot of the time and so like [52:15] >> making sure your pediatrician is aware [52:17] when you have concerns just to keep your [52:20] child safe. [52:20] >> Yeah. Okay. On the other end of the [52:23] spectrum with that food. So our oldest [52:28] really picky eater. [52:29] >> Our youngest will eat anything which you [52:32] know classic right? How do we get our [52:35] children to eat food? [laughter] It [52:39] sounds so simple and I feel like it's [52:42] this constant battle of you put [52:44] something in front of them and they you [52:46] know are you guys should try a little [52:47] bit and they try a little bit and they [52:50] don't like it and then we move on. [52:52] >> Yeah. [52:52] >> How do we navigate this? My mentor when [52:55] I was student teaching always told [52:58] parents in her classes, "Our children [53:00] have three rights as a human. We can't [53:03] force them to sleep. We set up ideal [53:06] conditions and hope that they go to bed. [53:10] >> We can't hold them on a toilet and make [53:12] them eliminate like they that's, you [53:14] know, the previous conversation. Figure [53:16] out how to teach them that skill [53:18] >> and we can't shove food in their mouth [53:20] and make them eat it." And [53:22] unfortunately, those are the three [53:24] things in parenting that we tend to like [53:26] hyperfocus on and over obsess about [53:29] really like the three things we just [53:32] talked about. Like they're not in our [53:33] control, but what's in our control is [53:35] figuring out how to navigate them in a [53:38] way to set up ideal conditions. [53:39] >> Ellen Sadder has a lot of research out [53:41] there on the division of responsibility. [53:44] And I really love her work because it [53:46] focuses on like the adult's job and the [53:49] child's job. And for an adult, you [53:52] decide what food is available. If you [53:55] want a wellbalanced diet, you provide a [53:58] wellbalanced diet. If you don't want [54:01] your child eating junk food, don't buy [54:03] junk food. Don't have it available. It's [54:06] not an option. So, we provide like we [54:08] decide what's available. And that's the [54:10] first piece. We also decide when food is [54:12] available. depending on the research [54:15] that you look at or who you're talking [54:16] to. Right now, best practice is to have [54:21] set snack and meal time. So, like food [54:24] is accessible at predictable times of [54:26] the day [54:27] >> and in predictable intervals so that [54:30] kids know like food is going to come at [54:32] these times. A lot of kids like to [54:34] graze. Talk to your again pediatrician [54:36] like especially around food, make sure [54:38] you're consulting with your [54:39] pediatrician. Uh, but thinking about [54:41] like if I let my child graze, what are [54:44] they grazing on? If they're grazing on [54:46] carbs and junk, like the carbohydrates [54:48] that like quickly wear off in their body [54:50] and have high energy, they're going to [54:51] be hungry more often. [54:53] >> Yeah. [54:54] >> Versus like focusing on like higher [54:56] protein fiber type snacks that have like [54:58] keep them full for longer. If they're [55:01] snacking in between meals, they're not [55:04] going to be hungry for the meal. And so [55:05] like really looking at like when is food [55:08] available to my child and is this [55:10] working for my family right now. For [55:12] some people kids just graze all day and [55:14] like the things that are available are [55:16] moderately healthy and like parents are [55:18] okay with that and that's great. Some [55:20] parents are like oh the goldfish need to [55:23] go for my child who like overindulges in [55:25] app sauces. Like there's a limit on [55:28] those how many you can have in a day. [55:30] And so figuring out like how does that [55:31] look for our family? like what is [55:34] offered, when is offered, and then we [55:37] decide as the adult where food is [55:39] offered. Do we only eat at the table? [55:42] Are there other spaces in our home that [55:43] are available? Do you have easy access [55:46] to food all the time? Do you not? My [55:48] biggest like safety plug on that is [55:50] letting kids walk around with food does [55:52] like increase their choking risk. Yeah. [55:54] >> So, recommendation is to be seated so [55:57] that their bodies are safe because they [55:59] do have a higher risk of choking in [56:01] general. It's also tricky because adults [56:02] tend to walk around the house eating. [56:04] So, we're not modeling behavior, which [56:07] we really have to think about, [56:08] >> but thinking about like what went in [56:10] there. After that, our job is over. [56:14] >> Yeah. [56:15] >> And this is where we like to continue, [56:16] but it's it's no longer our [56:18] responsibility. Our kids get to decide [56:21] what they eat and then how much they [56:24] eat. So, like, am I going to eat what [56:26] has been offered to me? Yes or no? And [56:28] how much of it do I need? We really want [56:30] our kids, if we really look at like [56:32] hunger and full cues from an early age [56:35] and moving forward, like teaching our [56:37] kids to recognize what their body is [56:39] telling them and then trusting that [56:40] their body is saying that they are done. [56:44] Trying to think, I think it's the [56:45] American Academy of Pediatrics that has [56:46] a really interesting chart that has [56:50] listed amounts of like how much a [56:53] serving size is for a toddler. And when [56:56] I show it in my classes, parents are [56:58] often just like, "Whoa, that's a lot [57:01] less food than I thought they needed." [57:03] And they've been trying to like push [57:05] their child to eat more when it's like [57:07] actually too much food. [57:08] >> Clean your plate. Yeah. [57:09] >> Yeah. And so thinking about like what's [57:10] the message that we're giving around [57:12] food. I always tell parents when it [57:14] comes to meals, make sure you have one [57:16] safe food on their plate, something that [57:18] you know they likely will eat. It is [57:20] very common for kids to eat something [57:22] one day and the next day say that [57:23] [laughter] it's disgusting and gross. [57:24] It's like there's nothing wrong with [57:25] your child. That's normal. Um it's also [57:28] normal for kids to like have a time of [57:30] day that they're more hungry [57:32] >> and so they'll eat more at one meal and [57:34] less at another meal. It's also normal [57:36] to like look at their food intake over a [57:39] 3-day period to a week period. Like how [57:42] much are they consuming over a longer [57:44] period of time rather than fixating on [57:46] like individual meals? [57:48] >> Because there's times that adults are [57:49] more hungry than others. Like our bodies [57:51] are our bodies. they change. And so [57:54] being respectful of like I have provided [57:57] you food know that you've done your job. [58:00] If you remember the food pyramid when we [58:01] were growing up that's not a thing. It's [58:03] now a plate and looking at like we offer [58:05] something from each of the food groups [58:07] and then our job is done. Having that [58:09] safe food gives your child something to [58:11] hopefully still like nourish their body [58:14] and it gives you the peace of mind of [58:15] like I fed them and they ate something [58:17] [laughter] [58:18] >> so that we can walk away from the table. [58:19] The thing about like the meal time that [58:22] I really like is the messaging of like [58:24] if they walk away from this meal and [58:26] they haven't eaten anything or very [58:29] little, I know and they know when the [58:33] next opportunity to eat will be. So if [58:36] they come to you in 10 minutes and [58:37] they're like, "I'm hungry." You can let [58:39] them know. Some of like the messaging [58:42] out there is like, "Kitchen's closed. [58:43] There's no food accessible. Next time we [58:45] eat is at this time." like they know [58:48] that or [58:50] some parents will save the food and [58:51] bring it back out if they're still [58:53] hungry. This is where I want parents [58:54] really just to like think about what [58:55] works for your family and what's the [58:57] message I'm sending my child when I make [58:59] these choices. [59:01] >> But it's not our job to put the food in [59:03] their body. It's our job to offer it. I [59:05] will say Feeding Littles has really good [59:08] information out there on like portions. [59:10] And just thinking about like if we start [59:13] with very little amounts of food on [59:15] their plate, like a small piece of [59:18] broccoli and a small like piece of like [59:22] one slice of a clementine and very small [59:25] bite-sized piece of like whatever the [59:26] protein is. Starting with small amounts [59:28] on their food is less overwhelming. Like [59:30] if we go to gatherings and we fill up [59:32] our plate at like a [59:33] >> Yeah. [59:34] >> It's overwhelming sometimes when we go [59:36] to social events and sit down, it's like [59:38] a potluck style. I'm like, "Wow, I have [59:39] too much food on my plate." Our kids [59:41] usually don't have control over what [59:42] goes on their plate. So start small. [59:43] It's less overwhelming and then they're [59:45] more likely to try it. And if they don't [59:47] try it and you're really you have a hard [59:49] time with food waste, it's a good piece [59:51] of mind of like there's not a whole [59:52] serving of food going in the garbage can [59:55] or on the floor for the dog to eat. It's [59:57] like just a piece. And so then we have [60:00] that opportunity. There's also a lot of [60:02] really great people out there who are [60:04] putting good information out around food [60:06] and like creating this positive message [60:08] around food cuz we all are going to eat [60:10] for the rest of our lives and we want to [60:12] help our kids like really figure out [60:13] like what makes my body feel good and [60:15] what doesn't make my body feel good. [60:17] >> Mhm. Okay. So as we close there's a lot [60:19] of great information. Um I feel [60:22] inspired. I think one thing that you [60:25] know we feel a lot of people listening [60:27] might feel is this this pressure to be [60:30] perfect. [60:31] >> How do we let go of that? [60:32] >> There's no such thing as a perfect [60:34] parent. We were handed this human at [60:37] some point in our life and we didn't get [60:40] an instruction manual and we probably [60:42] had very little training in it. And I [60:44] will argue even if you had training in [60:46] it, no one told you the emotional like [60:48] connection you were going to have with [60:49] this person. that takes all of your [60:51] training completely out the window. And [60:54] so really like what is good enough and [60:57] what's the overall message that I want [60:59] my child to have when they look back on [61:01] their childhood and reflect on how I did [61:04] as a parent like what do I want the [61:06] messages that them like what do I want [61:07] them to take away from this? And so [61:09] really we're going for good enough. We [61:11] are people. We have good days. We are [61:13] have bad days. we're really focusing on [61:16] like how do we have a connection and a [61:18] positive relationship with our child and [61:20] if that's guiding us hopefully we're [61:23] doing good enough in that moment. Parent [61:26] burnout is huge right now and like [61:29] there's a ton of information out there [61:31] really burnout is coming from the fact [61:34] that we are doing more jobs than any [61:38] other you know generations before us. [61:41] the workload, the demand, the mental [61:43] load of all the extra things that we [61:44] have to do to keep our household and [61:46] family running is real. And then we have [61:50] way too much access to information to [61:53] make us like second guess ourselves. And [61:56] so thinking about like how do I connect [61:58] with my child? How do I have those [62:00] positive moments? How do I find time for [62:03] myself? Something that does not revolve [62:05] around your family. you can love them as [62:08] much as you want, but if you really lose [62:09] yourself in this process, you're gonna [62:12] have a higher risk of burnout. So, like, [62:13] how do you help find those moments? And [62:15] this really taps into like the resources [62:17] that we have available to us. If you are [62:20] a transplant family and don't have [62:22] anybody nearby and don't have a support [62:24] system that you've built yet, if you [62:26] have a partner trying to figure out how [62:28] you guys can carve out time for each [62:30] person to have time for themselves, time [62:32] together, it starts adding up on your [62:34] plate. Talk about mental load. Some [62:36] resources are saying like schedule [62:37] something on the calendar just like you [62:39] would every other activity and then hold [62:41] to it unless you know sometimes there's [62:44] situations but really try and hold to it [62:46] and then thinking about like what is it [62:48] that fills my cup and sometimes filling [62:50] our cup is really like doing things with [62:52] our kids. If we really love coloring and [62:54] our child really loves coloring carve [62:56] time out of your day to sit down and [62:58] color with your child. You're doing two [63:00] things at once. It doesn't have to be on [63:02] our own, but sometimes we do need that [63:04] on our own time. But it really means [63:07] like and especially for like single [63:09] parents who don't have a partner to help [63:10] them really figuring out how am I going [63:14] to fill my own bucket in small ways. And [63:18] maybe it's getting up and drinking your [63:20] coffee hot. [laughter] [63:22] I'm not sure what that feels like, but [63:25] I've been told it's really good. [63:26] >> Okay. So, if people are listening and [63:29] they're, you know, they feel, you know, [63:31] like I said, like inspired, maybe they [63:33] want to learn more, maybe they want to [63:34] do more, maybe they want to make [63:36] connections, maybe they want to talk to [63:37] you more. [63:38] >> Mhm. [63:39] >> How do people get involved with the work [63:41] you're doing? [63:42] >> I lead early childhood family education [63:44] classes. So, ECF, um, we are a parent [63:47] child class. So, you sign up, you come [63:49] once a week, and you get to hang out [63:51] with me and or my colleagues. most [63:54] programs for one-year-olds and above is [63:57] a separation component. So, you get time [64:00] in the classroom playing with your [64:01] child. We do very specific child [64:03] activities and then we get a a little [64:07] bit of time away. The kids play in the [64:09] classroom with the teacher. They get to [64:10] have peer interactions and we go talk [64:12] about parenting stuff. Um, so ECF [64:16] classes, all most districts have them. [64:19] Finding the one that fits your family. [64:20] It doesn't have to be in district, but [64:22] if you live in district, you also get to [64:24] meet other parents who are parenting the [64:26] same age group. Um, my goal is always to [64:28] make connections there. Um, if you have [64:30] a busy life and that doesn't fit in with [64:32] you, but you really need to talk to [64:34] somebody, we have parent coaching [64:35] sessions. So, if you go to the early [64:37] learning website and go to register [64:39] under the early childhood family [64:41] education component, there's a I think [64:43] it might be the family and parent [64:44] section, but there's a way to get parent [64:47] coaching. And so you can sign up for [64:49] that and that's a free opportunity. [64:50] There's three parent educators. So when [64:52] you sign up, one of us will reach out to [64:54] you and set up a time to just figure out [64:56] what's going on. How can we help you and [64:58] support you, give you a couple ideas. [65:00] >> The website ischools.org/earlyarning. [65:05] There's an ECF tab at the top as well as [65:08] other information. And then there's a [65:10] register tab that will allow you to [65:12] register [music] for some of those ECF [65:14] classes. So Naomi, thank you for joining [65:16] us. And for everyone listening that [65:18] wants to learn more, go check out the [65:20] website. And that's it. [65:22] >> Thank you. [music] [65:23] >> Thanks. [65:33] [music]